| just rambling |
[Feb. 27th, 2006|12:26 am] |
everything is so different. now that i dont live with my di and nat, i hardly ever see them. its my fault, mostly. i dont know i just hope that i learn to manage my time better. its not that im spending a lot of time in the house, cuz god knows that i sure as hell am not, but i guess ive been doing a lot of stuff with swimmies.
ive been contemplating moving out for awhile. everyone says that itll get better with time but i didnt have this much trouble adjusting to college, so i dont know if its worth it. some of the girls are convincing me to just petition to move out before i completely drop my pin. we'll see. i probably wont even move out this semester. i think itll be too stressful. this past week wasnt too terrible either...nothing compared to the week before that! lemme just say that girls are crazy. but i guess thats not news, we all kind of knew that. there are girls that are down to earth and i love (most of) the girls in our spring pledge class, 2 swimmers included! nevertheless, im fairly sure that ill be living out next semester.
im excited for spring break which, unlike alison's ridiculously early break, is not for another month. im going to whistler (canada) for a couple days; snowboarding during the day and clubbing at night. a bunch of swimmers are going: brit, gretchen, molly, caitlin, dave, trev, pete and possibly pete's roomie, dan (different swimmies than i hung out with last year). i found out yesterday that the condo we rented has a hot tub!!! awesome! but were gonna be back on tuesday so im coming home for the rest of break. im ready to take a break and go home for a little while. ill get my much needed and very much deserved privacy. i dont get much of that here seeing as all 45 girls in the house sleep in the same room!
im kind of confused in the boy area...like always. my friends have been kind of pushing for dan (pete's roommate) and i to date or something. we went to black tie together last week not really knowing one another very well. i had a lot of fun and hung out with pete, brit and dan the following night as well. its just weird cuz i dont know how i feel. i like him as a person, no doubt, cuz hes cool. i can just be myself around him and stuff. but i think the whole matt thing is holding me back a little. i dont know, i guess i just kind of think that there could be something there...even though sensibly there isnt. brit and i slept over in the basement in terra (the outdoors/granola <--- mmmm) dorm with dan and pete (who live there). it was a slumber party and so much fun. we watched movies and then just goofed off. so if anything else, i gain a good friend from all this. i still kind of hope that he comes with us to whistler so i can spend more time with him.
i was accepted as an opening days leader...which means that my summer will be cut short by about 2 weeks but im excited nonetheless. oh and im going to hawaii for 2 week in may! wahoo! |
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| too deep |
[Nov. 28th, 2005|11:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | so contagious- acceptance | ] |
i like matt....a lot. i tried to get over it, but i cant. i cannot see past this kid. i have no idea why. its soo frustrating. i get myself into situations like this all the time and i hate myself for it. why am i such a fucking girl who falls for retarded boys?!? goddamn it. and i hate that i get so worked up over these stupid problems when there are other people have to deal with much worse shit!!!
so i asked matt the friday before last if he was going to the aphasia concert the following monday night cuz i needed a ride. he said that he wasnt gonna go cuz he had too much to do. anyway, we were talking on monday and i was telling him how i was in concert withdrawal and he already knows about my aphasia obsession (thats lessened A LOT since senior year). nevertheless i wanted to see them play and possibly chill with them later on. anyway, he IMs me on tuesday morning telling me how i missed a great show. FUCKER!!! what the hell? im assuming he was just an idiot boy and forgot and didnt tell me. i dont think hed be so evil as to tell me hes not going, decides to go (just to spite me), and then proceed to tell me about it. anyway, i hear the show was sick and im still pissed. that was a week ago.
thats not all though. he just knows how to get to me. fuck it...damn |
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| better off home on a saturday night |
[Apr. 16th, 2005|10:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Brand New- Last Chance to Lose Your Keys | ] |
what an appropriate subject eh? yea, still havent resolved all the geoff shit yet. according to him (well, actually, according to shain who talked to geoff) hes pissed that im making this such a big deal. yea, i cant help it though...i have anxiety and things like this freak me out. i havent talked to him since he found out. its just, embarassing, and very much so. I havent been able to hang out with kiel either cuz theyre always together and im too scared to confront geoff. but, once natalie comes back to my room tonight, were gonna go chill with them...and im gonna pretend like nothings happened, cuz thats what he wants. so, thats the way it goes.
goodbye exercise science, hello sociology and psychology. yep thats right, i switched majors. i think ill be happier doubling in soc and psych cuz there are actually interesting requirements as opposed to "team management/leadership" (which is only worth .5 a credit!!). yea, so im excited. i think i was hesitant to switch cuz i had everything planned out if i majored in ex sci...undergrad (pre PT) -> grad school for PT and then working for the a's. haha, yea thats thinking idealistically. i dont really know what i can do with a soc/psych double, but i think ill figure something out. possibly advertising or something? who knows.
i didnt get music chair for Willamette events board. i was kinda pissed cuz of my whole B.O.R.E.D. experience and all, but i got my 2nd choice position, publicity co-chair. im just happy that i got a chair position cuz i know a couple sophomores that didnt get positions (one is going abroad for a semesters). its also a good way to meet new people too. WEB is a small committee so i guess ill be getting close to all the chair persons and whatnot. luckily i know the film chair, the random fun chair, and one of the co presidents.
next year is gonna be sweet!!! i still dont know where im living but the housing lottery is on thursday. diana, nat and i are trying to get a triple in doney. if we get it our room will be huge and we'll have plenty of room for a couch and a tv and more good stuff. all the boys are phi delts now. thank god fucking i week is over. it was so weird not having my boys here...especially shain. i got him in trouble though. haha we were walking around campus and i linked arms with him and one of the members saw him. oh well. but next year theyre all gonna be in the house so ill only hafta go to one place to see alla them.
im excited for next week. on wednesday were going to seattle to watch the a's play the mariners. we dont have any classes so i wont be missing anything. were gonna stay the night at dianas and apparently her mom is making us an ice cream cake for our birthdays (dianas is on the 23). thursday is the nural concert!!! yay!! too bad i have a bio test on friday, oh well... |
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| such a girl |
[Mar. 1st, 2005|01:52 am] |
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im such a middle school girl. i fucking hate it. im a sucker for guys and i cant fucking stand it. |
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| haha |
[Feb. 21st, 2005|10:04 am] |
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i just read alisons most recent entry and realized that i hadnt told you guys the story either. haha. okay well, yanno that party i DDed for a couple weeks ago? i wrote an entry about it. well, nicks been spreading this rumor that he made out with this girl (she dresses hoochie...whoa thats a word i havent used in awhile...but shes dating a pdt). so last weekend (not as in yesterday, the one before that) nick knauer showed up to a party at the belmont. keep in mind that the belmont is a pdt house and nick was the only pdt rush that didnt get a bid. apparently brittany starr (the girl he "made out with") confronted him about it. she was really drunk but the conversation went something like..."do you think i would actually make out with you? (she pours beer on him) dont you ever talk about me ever again! (SLAP)" yea...pretty intense. i wasnt there but thats what i...heard. im kinda glad i wasnt there cuz i would have been cracking up hysterically! yea okie. |
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| i <3 pdt |
[Feb. 10th, 2005|01:30 am] |
haha, yea i know its lame. but i love phi delts. haha, those are the ones that girls want to date. hehe. but last weekend was awesome. lucas called me on saturday night, asking me if i wanted to go to the belmont. i said yes and so he told me to meet him at his room first. i figured it was gonna be a fairly small party cuz there was a thing going on at k-sig (in collaboration with alpha chi) and there was another DG thing going on. so anyway i see lucas on my way to his room, haha, walking over to phi delt. i guess i had taken too long getting ready or something. and so i walked with him and a bunch of other pledges over to phi delt. (phi delt is dry, along wiht all the other frats besides SAE, so they party at an off campus house.) i always feel weird when i go to phi delt alone, im not really sure why. i mean ive beeen to a bunch of movie nights on tuesdays and 5 of the swimmers are phi delts and i did spend half of their rush week there. i dont know, i just feel, out of place (haha, maybe cuz im a girl?). after i get there, lucas is wandering around the house and i kinda sit on the arm of one of the couches...kind of talking to some of the guys that kind of know. when lucas comes back he asks me if i can drive. i say yes. so i end up driving this dudes car (a jr pdt) with him, lucas, mike armstrong (sr pdt, sooooooo hot) and this other dude i dont even know. awkward! haha, but it was cool and funny cuz they started talking about nick knauer. apparently he's been telling people that he made out with this soph during orientation who turns out to be mike's gf. haha, good one nick. we go on a beer run and then go to the belmont. it was soooo much fun. there were a lot more people than i had been expecting, but i knew a good amount of them. i wandered around talking to different people...acquaintences...it was fun. i realized that parties at the belmont are gonna be fun w/ and w/o alcohol cuz i know enough people to make it fun. i ended up making 3 trips back to campus. hehe, there were a couple good drunken conversations with some pdts.
oh man...this one dude, drew (what a name!), is sooo hot. diana and i think he just might be the cutest boy on campus. hes a pdt baseball player! ahh...and hes lucas' RA. yesterday i was going to lucas' to drop something off and who did i see in a towel on his way to the shower? yep...drew. haha he turned around and smiled. hes tall...6'4. hehe...good eye candy
so, i like brandon...again. hes such a nice guy and we have similar taste in music. we were gonna go to the sugarcult, anberlin, pwts show togehter...but its sold out. LAME! but im supposed to let him know about other concerts and stuff. =)okay yea im a lame girl...what can i say? (oh yea...hes NOT a pdt..hehe shocking!) |
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| whatever |
[Jan. 31st, 2005|01:09 am] |
we got fish. well, actually, diana got the fish. she and nat bought fish last monday when i was at practice. she named both of them after me, swimmy and pooty. yea, diana calls me pooty. her boyfriend (well now ex boyfriend) said that pooty means cherub or something like that. anyway, swimmings still shitty. i had a meet the other day. my coached entered me in the 200 back but wanted to pull me out of it cuz of the condition of my shoulder. i didnt want him to take me out. im on my team and i wanted to do my part. i promised cason that id back off if my shoulder was bugging me during my race. it did. as much as i didnt want to, i kept my promise and backed off. cason was at the end of my lane and thanked me for keeping that promise. i cried. in my 10 years of swimming i have never slacked off in a race, never. it was hard to back down, knowing that i could beat the girl. its hard to not give 100%. i hated it.
i went to 2 parties last night. one at the dollhouse (alpha chi off campus house) called the tsunami relief party, and one at the belmont (phi delt off campus house). i was the dd. i wanted to be the dd. i wanted to be able to go to a party, surrounded by drunk people, and have the self control to stay sober. i did, and it wasnt too bad. the tsunami relief party was sooooooo crowded. sooo many hot guys. well, only 2 that i know the names of. i didnt talk to them, nor would i have talked to them if i were drunk. ones a senior sigma chi and the other is a junior football player. we left the party cuz it was getting out of hand and hot as hell. it was very difficult driving drunk 5 boys (one in the trunk) around. too much yelling and whatnot. oh and reeds prospie...bleck. he gives the bay area a bad name. hes from some small school in atherton, i dont remember which school. he was a jerk. the belmont kinda sucked. it wasnt a party so much as a chill night. but by the time we got there, most of the phi delts had left. hooray for surviving my sober saturday night as a dd. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 27th, 2005|11:56 pm] |
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so basically, my life is a piece of shit right now. well, not my whole life, just swimming. well i guess since swimming is my life, then, yea, my life is a piece of shit right now. my shoulder is so fucked up. i dont even know whats going on, and while i should be talking to trainers about it, i dont want to. theyre going to tell me something that i dont want to hear. i only have 2 and a half fucking weeks left and all i want to do is get there. but, by the looks of it, i just really dont know. on monday, my coach didnt want me to swim any freestyle (cuz i was in a lot of pain on saturday at the meet) but i ended up kicking most of the workout. on tuesday i decided not to swim, so i went running instead. wednesday was shitty. i went to practice, couldnt swim, and started kicking. but since i went running the day before (which is something that i havent done in, oh, over 4 months) my legs were sore and hurting like a mother. so i was like, fuck it, im just going to swim. BAD IDEA! i was in so much pain. i got so frustrated and i could feel tears welling up in my eyes. soon enough i was crying, and then bawling. it was terrible. bridget told me she was expecting me to blow up at anytime, so she wasnt surprised. im glad cason is here though. hes helped me a lot through all the shoulder madness and whatnot. and he actually knows what this experience is like (he had shoulder surgery last year and has still not fully reovered). so today i met my captain (shes got a bad shoulder too) and we did the eliptical for 30 minutes then some stretches and ab work. the plan was to swim (well, kick) for the remaining hour of practice. well, when i walked out of the locker room, it felt as if a big weight was bearing down on me and a huge sense of sadness or something else that i cant really describle came over me. when i saw everyone swimming i just started to cry again. i tried to stop and hold it in, but i couldnt. cason tried to talk to me and get me in the water, but i didnt want to. it was like i was one of those kids thats afraid of the pool. i sat on the side of the deck for like 20 minutes crying hysterically. finally i got in. it was supposed to be a "fun" day and we did relays and stuff. i couldnt do any of it. it just frustrated me and i kept crying. eventually i just got out, i didnt say anything, i just left. i cant go to the pool without crying now. i know its lame, but mentally im not strong enough to deal with it. i cant give up, cuz im almost done and to quit now would be worthless. ok, well, i guess thats all i had to say. |
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| shit |
[Jan. 24th, 2005|02:56 am] |
something hit the window
i look out and see a man
waving his arms at me
at first i think its cason
becuase of a message he sent me a couple hours ago
but it doesnt loook like cason
i lie back so the man cant see me
who is the stranger on my balcony?
hes still waving his arms
is he a crazy towny?
we do live next to the "homicide flats"
in the closest dorm room
i whisper to diana
she whispers back
thank god shes away
"someones waving at us outside our balcony!"
"who is it?"
"i dont know? im scared!"
diana walks slowly toward the balcony
kiel forgot his keys
damn...fuck you kiel
scared the shit out of me! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 24th, 2005|02:56 am] |
You Are the Peacemaker |
9
You are emotionally stable and willing to find common ground with others.
Your friends and family often look to you to be the mediator when there is conflict.
You are easy going and accepting. You take things as they come.
Avoding conflict at all costs, you're content when things are calm.
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| harder than it seems |
[Jan. 19th, 2005|12:26 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | This Place is a Prison- The Postal Service | ] |
i have two new years resolutions. the first is to not smoke or drink until after swim season. haha, yea what a great new years resolution seeing as i the season ends in a month. the second is to give up on guys. i mean, im such a girl when it comes to guys. yanno, the over analyzing and stuff like that. it just stresses me out and i get all distracted and whatnot. so ive decided to give up on greg and all guys for that matter. if someone approaches me, then so be it. but im not gonna work myself up over something so stupid. but how idealist is that. im not doing too well. its only been 2 days since ive been back at school (well back in classes) and im already frustrated. not anything new, but the whole greg thing. i hate myslef sometimes. why do i care so much? when i didnt get an email back from greg over break i decided not to take it personally because i figured that he wasnt checking his school email account over break. but somehow i doubt he hasnt checked his email in a month. so now im taking in personally. it just sucks cuz it was one of the first times that i had ever taken the initiative and i got rejected. i guess this wasnt as bad as the mike thing, but still. things like this tend to take a toll on my already low self esteem. i guess im just aiming too high. i should have guessed that he was unattainable and out of my league. oh well....fuck it.... |
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| home sweet home? |
[Dec. 21st, 2004|02:42 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot- Brand New | ] |
i sucks being home. each time i come back i realize how much i like school. i miss the freedom, my friends, the lack of my brother. i know its mean, my brother makes my time at home miserable. hes such a jerk. he mimics, criticizes, and just says snide remarks after everything i do/say. ive gotten into a terrible habit of saying "sweet" but kinda more like "saweet" and he just starts going off about it. its not like im yelling it or saying it out of spite towards him. i feel like i cant say anything without being repremanded. ive been silenced in my own house. and of course, my moms always on his side. he can say whatever he wants to me, but if i say anything back, i just get yelled at for being rude. i hate it. i need to spend as much time away from home as possible. im good at avoiding confrontation. which brings me to the other reason why i need to spend a lot of time away from home. cameron. yea, i feel bad for avoiding him and ignoring his calls and IMs and whatnot. i dont even know why i stopped talking to him. we were on talking terms for awhile, but i dont know what happened. and now hes been desperately trying to reach me, and im being a bitch. he has gone a little too far though. he calls me from a mutual friends cell phone cuz he knows that i wont answer if he calls. i hate confrontation. i wont be able to deal with it. i dont know what itll be like, but the "what ifs" of the situation are eating me alive. i was planning on calling him or contacting him in some way before i came home, but i never "got around to it." oh well...we'll see. i dont think i can avoid him for a month.
my hair is black/blue. its freaking dark. it kind looks like a wig when im wearing it down cuz its soooooo dark. i kinda like it. i need a different hairstyle so it can live up to its full potential. itll fade in the chlorine. i dont know whats gonna happen. but change is good.
greg hasnt freaking called me back yet. hopefully he didnt get the message i left him on his cell phone. i dont think he just not call. he did the first time. well, i guess i needed help with a school thing so he felt obliged to call. i dont know. i think weve had decent conversations, i mean weve had more a couple longer conversations. i mean, even if hes not interested in dating or whatever, he should be nice enough just to call back and hang out as friends. and plus, i dont think ive ever been too forward in any of my actions. well, more forward than i usually am, but not anymore than a normal person. oh well...ill just have to wait and see if he responds to my email. ugh |
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| almost there... |
[Dec. 14th, 2004|12:12 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  giddy | ] |
im almost done with my fisrt semester in college. wow...that went by fast! ive learned a lot about myslef since ive been here. yanno how high school is supposed to be that period of time where you test the waters and find out who you are? well, this semester has done that for me. leaving home, starting over, establishing friendships...all that good stuff has helped me to figure things out about myself that i may have overlooked and whatnot. i tried too hard to be a people pleaser. im doing things that i actually want to do here. im still learning though, cuz i mean experiences are part of the learning process.
part of this learning process includes taking the initiative. i had this plan all worked out for today. i had my critique in class for the animation projects (i had to write the music for a short animation film). it was supposed to go from 2 till 5 so my plan was to talk to greg on our way out of the lab (yay, im more comfortable talking to him now) and since he would have to walk past goudy on his way back i was gonna ask him if he wanted to come with me to dinner. but, of course, we got out early, 4:15 and goudy wasnt even open yet. dude, we didnt even walk out together. man...and it was kinda nice cuz i was freaking out about my project. i hate my music and i really did not want to share it with everyone. but the guys in my class said that they really liked it. that was nice to hear, but greg wasnt around when they were talking about it. =p. but yea, so i rarely see him on campus cuz hes usually in his room smoking pot and watching movies so i think (since i have his number) im gonna give him a call. well, i dont want to call him, but my friends are encouraging me. ahhh, so scary! but i know if i dont do it, i'll regret it for a long time. and i mean what do i have to lose. i mean if i dont do anything then theres nothing. if i do something and it doesnt go well...then ill still have nothing. and if it does go well....then i have a new friend or better yet, something more! hes way outa my league though. hes so cute. hes in hannahs spanish class and shes like "yea he acts like such a badass. the prof will ask him a questions and he'll say 'i dont do homework' back in spanish" haha. its funny cuz i never saw him as the "badass" type. i mean hes kinda skater-ish, and kinda quiet, but not so much badass. lol...also cuz hes nice whenever i talk to him (probably cuz im not a professor). i was talking to lucas and he said that guys like it when girls approach them. ive heard that elsewhere before but i feel like i might be annoying this guy. i mean its not like he readily gave me his phone number, i told him that i needed help with my music project and he called back and left a message w/ it on there saying that i could call anytime. im not sure if its still and open invitation to call. oh man, well ive been given a deadline. i hafta call him by tomorrow night! ahh scary. i think im gonna thank him for helping me with the audio stuff....sweet...and go from there.
oh yea last friday was...interesting...to say the least. WEB (not the same as lick's web, willamette events board) put on a dance....sleighbell ball. it was a semiformal dance and not really a date function as far as i knew. but i went with lucas. it was fun getting ready. bridget did my makeup for me. it looked cute...i think. i dont know, she used purple...i dont like purple, but people said it looked cute. so we "pre-funked"...i had a yeager bomb (?) a smirnoff twist apple and a shot of...rum i think before sleighbell ball. yea that was plenty seeing as i dont drink that often here.....well maybe once or twice a month...and i hadnt eated much that day. we were at sleighbell ball for all of 5 minutes. it was pretty lame. there were some swimmies there, so i said hi to them and all that good stuff. we saw shanley and cason on our way out and told them it was lame so they didnt even bother to walk in. then we went back to lucas' room and drank more.....lol another shot of something and emily made me a very potent rum and coke. i think thats my beverage of choice despite my distaste for 'pop.' changed out of my dress and into khaki skirt and white lacey tank for santas lil helpers (SAE and ACO). walked around doney a little bit with lucas before heading off to the montag to escape from mean ol emily and hannah who were force feeding me pizza. went to santas lil helpers, i was pretty wasted. saw bridget, annie, and a bunch of swimmies....possibly more people. stayed at santas lil helpers for like 20 minutes went back to the lounge in doney. started watching family guy, but lucas wanted to play pool. went back to lucas' room. people were still chilling there. i waited for dave and hannah to come back so we could smoke, but neither lucas or cabral wanted me to. went back to kaneko around 2 or so and went to sleep. it was a good night...too bad i got all nice looking for nothing. greg wasnt anywhere to be found. not that it surprises me or anything.
annie is convinced that were long lost twins. haha, we have tattoos in the same spot on opposite sides, were both short, we both only dance when were drunk and both have a strong passion for 90's popstars.
everyone kept asking me on saturday if the guy that i was with, lucas, was greg. haha, no. so many people know about him and yet very few people actually know him or have even seen him before. annie (different annie....pronounced ah-nie), a senior that lives next to bridget, was one of his animators and she kept making fun of me today during the critique. lol...yep. im so pathetic, but its fun. time to start working! |
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| broken record |
[Dec. 8th, 2004|12:38 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | numb | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | forget december- something corporate | ] |
he initiated our conversation today. and it wasnt just like a quick "hello" but a 20 minute conversation. he intrigues me, i dont know what it is...just the way he is. he was cute and was sneaky in his ways of finding out stuff about me. he wouldnt just ask me what kind of music i listened to, he went around it. i let him borrow my aphasia cd and was like "so is this like kind of music you like?" stuff like that. im glad thats the first thing he wanted to know about me though. you guys know how important music is to me. hes not really into rock and stuff, but more into underground hip hop...which is cool cuz i have a new respect for music because of this class. and underground hip hop is much better than the main stream that is played on the radio. when i left he said "see ya around"...kinda funny seeing as i never see him outside of class, not in goudy, not on campus..never, nada.
as giddy as i am that "he talked to me" (yea i know im a pathetic 6th grader) i cant help but think that its not gonna go anywhere. i guess it makes sense cuz its always the same old story. shannon thinks boy is cute, boy talks to shannon, shannon starts drowning in infatuation, boy talks to shannon again, shannon thinks itll go somewhere...it doesnt. hmmm...sound familiar? yea well it does to me. happens all to often. i know its mean, but im just glad that the last time this happened, i wasnt the one that came out all broken hearted and whatnot. well, i guess it did hurt, but someone else more than it hurt me. thats mean, but i cant help it. im scared to get close to him cuz i dont wanna get hurt. i have trust issues too, i dont know what hes after....if hes after anything at all. i dont know if he'll like me for me, or just so he can get some ass. im not up for that. i wish i didnt care about this so much. i hate being such a girl. |
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| hate |
[Dec. 5th, 2004|11:51 pm] |
so basically i hate boys. they make everything so god damn difficult. i dont know, maybe im just sensitive and over analyze everything. in fact, im sure thats it.
i had a meet in washington this weekend. the islanders had a meet in washington as well, a different one, a faster one, but some of the willamette swmmers went to that one. so i went to the fast one today so i could see my friends. i didnt get to see them as much as i had hoped so as much as i like school, i was sad to leave them and go back. so i was saying goodbye and getting/giving hugs when andy totally kinda jokingly said "ugh, fine leave we dont want you hear."<--something he would say. and so i expected him to pretend for a sec and then come give me a hug...but he didnt. i was sad. i love this boy so much...in what kind of way, i have yet to figure out completely...and for him to not say bye just kinda hurt me. ugh....sad.
i hafta go see a psychiatrist when i get home. ive been talking to the people here are our health center and they thing i should find out if i have add, high anxiety or both. it frustrates me to hafta talk to someone about this. i wish i could just figure it out on my own and fix it. oh well...ok im tired... |
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| boys...damn them |
[Dec. 3rd, 2004|01:00 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | nothing cuz diana is sleeping and my headphones are packed | ] |
so basically im really bitter...about 2 things. one is legit and the other is just lame.
my schedule did not work out. we had 2 registration days, we could sign up for 2 classes yesterday and 2 classes today. too bad my times were bad. i would rather have gotten and early registration one day and a late on the other than two times in the middle. basically i didnt get any of my first choice classes. im not in bio, which i kinda need to take soon for my major, and i didnt get into the writing class that i really need to take. its a writers workshop and we all know i need to brush up on my writing skills and shain corey, nat, and ashley are all in it!!! ugh, damn not fair. the bio situation was lame. the only class that was left was the 8am class which wouldve been fine, but i hafta have a lab as well. all the labs were full except for one...that conflicted with 2 of my other classes. so i called the registrar and she told me that if i couldnt make it work then i couldnt take bio. so basically i gave up on that cuz i didnt wanna lose those other classes (even though they were like 3rd choice or something like that). so yea....screwy.
the other thing is....well..nevermind. ask me about it if you wanna know. its lame.
but...i talked to greg today. sooooo hot. damn, why is he so hot! ahh...he asked about the aphasia cd and we talked about them for a little while. i wanted to chat longer...we kinda did that talk while youre walking away from each other but looking over your shoulder. hehe...lol.
shain corey is awesome. i just got back from talking to him in the hall...college is weird. ok..well later! |
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| hope? |
[Nov. 21st, 2004|10:11 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Tyler Hilton- When it Comes | ] |
I think im gonna miss willamette when im gone for thanksgiving. dont get me wrong, i most definately want to come home, but there are things/people here that im gonna miss. the whole college thing is still unreal to me. i dont know why but it still feels like im at camp or something...i dont know if thats the way to describe it. but when im walking to the library late at night or visiting friends on weekdays or going to concerts on weeknights it just seems....strange. but anyway here we go. (hehe im in the hall right now cuz natalie is still sleeping...we had a "sleepover" last night. diana sleeps on her mattress on the floor and we had a prospie on friday night so we put a mat on dianas bedframe and natalie wanted to sleep there lsat night cuz she doesnt have a roommate right now. ehehe shain corey just walked out in a towel...hes silly...and little. haha)
thursday night i went to the green day concert. it was fucking awesome!!! they put on a great show. the only thing i didnt like about the show was nfg. i wanted to shoot the lead singer in the head. could his voice be anymore annoying? ahh, if his voice werent so nasaly i think i could potentially like their music. ugh...lame. oh yea and also missing sugarcult sucked. we got pretty lost so we didnt get to the concert until like 8. i just wanted to hear crashing down...yanno that creepy song? lol...yea (damn it i shouldve put that song on the cd...oh well) oh well. but yea green day was awesome. they played a good mix of songs. it was probably half half...half american idiot songs and half old songs. their set was over an hour long and their finale was 4 songs long. heheh, and there was confetti. i stole some that was on the floor as a souvenier (cuz i didnt wanna buy a shirt of anything). they played 2 covers too, shout and we are the champions. our SEATS were pretty bad..prolly like the equvalent of sitting in plaza seats at the a's game (2nd deck). but it still rocked. there was fire too!! wahoo...yay for pyromania!!! lol, but yea fucking tight (haha sorry, swim team thing)
friday night was kinda lame, i dont remember hwat i did...oh yea we had a world views field trip. we went to oregon peaceworks a couple blocks away from campus. the dude that was talking to us was an idiot. i dont know it was hard to listen to him cuz he didnt seem very knowledgable. neither do i but i dont go around giving talks and stuff. but yea. i went to leftys that night with some of my friends in my world views class. theyre fun. ive been trying to expand my group of friends so i hang out with them every so often. then i went with diana, nat, our prospie and reed to jazz night. it was fairly good. it reminded me a lot of jazz concert. i was kinda giggling at times just remembering the good old days and watching jazz concerts when noah walker was still at lick. hahha!!! watched a movie after that...on the 4th floor. its the sub-free floor in our hall. its cool cuz the people on the 4th floor all know each other and stuff cuz they hang out in the hallways rather than drinking in their roooms. but yea...we watched 2 weeks notice.
yesterday i had a meet. it sucked. the pool was too warm so it was hard ot get moving in the water cuz my muscles were too relaxed. also i had muscle spasms in my leg for over an hour, no goood. but hopefully...as my shoulder gets better (knock on wood) my arms will get stronger and ill be able to come close to my times. ahh...hopefully. last night began kinda lame. sorta. i ate at dairy queen cuz i got a gift certificate from my coach cuz i was the 'dq swimmer of the meet' (dq as in dairy queen not disqualified. come to think of it i dont think ive been to goudy at all since thursday lunch...or any on campus dining for that matter. anywho, then diana, nat, shain corey, drew and reed went to the TIUA music thing while i spent some time wiht my friends in my world views class...okie...im gonna finish this later cuz im hungry and nat just woke up. |
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| theres never any place for someone like me to be totally happy |
[Nov. 9th, 2004|11:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | giddy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | something corporate- cavanaugh park | ] |
okay, i know the subject of this entry sounds bad, but i just realized that i can just leave all my problems behind. i have to deal with them. so yea, just clarifying. im doing a lot better now than i was 2 weeks ago. i still get sad and frustrated and question things, but ive been going to counseling here. yea i know that sounds bad, but its free and i guess its good to just talk to someone to may be able to help me with things that are troubling me. its kind of intense actually cuz not only do i go to a counselor but i go to the learning differences woman as well. so basically im at bishop wellness 2 hours a week. im learning how to confront people and my own problems. im still not completely comfortable talking about everything, but i think ill get there.
hehe on a lighter note...i talked to the cute skater boy from burlingame today. its funny cuz i fusser'ed him (looked him up in our directory) over a month ago cuz he was wearing an amoeba sf sweatshirt. so i was waiting for him to wear the sweatshirt again so i could start a convo with him. so he finally wore it again today.
me:greg, are you from sf?
greg: yea
me: oh cool i went to school in the city
greg: really? wow, im actually from a suburb of sf
me:oh yea what city? (haha me playing dumb cuz i already knew that)
greg: burlingame
me: did you go to burlingame hs?
greg: yea
me: do you know matt hall (drew dehaven hall of aphasia's brother)
greg: oh for sure, hes a cool guy
me: oh yea? i dont know him, i know his brother drew
greg: oh right, have you heard of his band....aphasia?
me: (trying not to crack up too hard) yea...hhaha.
greg: yea jeff is like my neighbor and its crazy how drew dropped out of school and stuff
me: yea esp since it was berkeley
greg: yea really
that was basically the whole convo. but hes sooo cute...and soooooo tall. i want to say like at least 6'2 or something. hes not exactly lanky, not fat, not really buff....i cant really tell. hes got brown hair, kinda longish....but the cute kind, hes kinda got a bigger nose...iono. i dont know what color his eyes are..i think theyre prolly hazel or something. its kinda cool though cuz the one class that we have together is my music class which consists of 6 boys and me. lol...hhahaha.
well....ill update more later...i hafta get some sleep cuz i only got 2 hours last night |
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| breakdown |
[Oct. 27th, 2004|10:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | coldplay- the scientist | ] |
i had my first breakdown tonight...and am still dealing with it as i type. its the way i brokedown last year. kinda the way we did at frannys house that time and at jenis, and a couple others. i hated it and i hate that its happening again. i thought id be done with all that shit. i thought id left it behind when i left alameda and lick. what is the cause of this breakdown? i think its a combo of a lot of different things. its the whole one-bad-thing-happens-and-makes-me-remember-other-bad-shit. i guess im having doubts about my friends here. i have some really good girl friends, but they guys, well...i dont know. they make fun of me a lot. i dont think they do it to be mean, i think they do it cuz they can cuz they know that i wont retaliate or anything. i know i should tell them when they cross the line, but i just cant. i have a complex...and as much as i want to, i cannot seem to get rid of it. i also miss you guys so much. i dont have anyone here that knows me as well as you guys do and i guess i dont expect them to, but its hard to not have that comfort here. i know im lame cuz you guys dont really have that either. also, people here dont know how i was last year. they dont know bout all the breakdowns. i wouldnt say that i was depressed or anything, i just had (have) low self esteem and self confidence along with some anxiety issues. i came in here hiding all of that thinking that it would just go away, but over the past couple weeks i started feeling it again and it hit me today. i just miss home, you guys, and the comfort i get from being with people who just get me. |
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| oops |
[Jun. 28th, 2004|12:04 am] |
i wasnt done with that last entry
but that might be it...im not sure. it is likely that i forgot some bands (like openers and stuff)
yay, that list is gonna grow, quite a bit, next weekend @ WARPED TOUR! WAHOO! |
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